I can never tell if people I know follow me (on Instagram and other places that they find me) out of genuine interest or are following to control, civilize, silence my strange voice and judge me behind my back, cultivating harmful common opinion and prescribing me their small-minded stereotypes/archetypes: but alas! I am nothing they will ever even begin to describe, let alone compact into one word, I am ever-evolving, to the point I can barely even keep up with myself. Hopefully it's the former, though anyone who knows me well knows I'm stubborn as a mule and no-one could ever control me unless I respected them enough to afford them the illusion of control. (Don't get me wrong, I can be really professional at work, I need to work towards a career, but my line of work (art and design) involves a lot of open mindedness and honesty. I am absolutely one of the most hardworking people I know, even if I am constantly on tangents, it builds towards something massive) In my life I have not met many who truly deserve respect, rather they expect it due to their rank or overconfidence etc.
I'm not so naive to believe there is any privacy out in the open on the internet and I'm sure someone I know is probably reading this and if you are I send you my love, but a corner to grow my mind and art away from people who anchor me into "reality" (aka "growing up" and settling into being a depressed office drone going through the motions like a robot) is vital to me. Why live a life so boring? We have so much damn potential!
It's funny: at first one tries to get followers and popularity, but in this day and age it feels free-er to be creating and airing opinion in the shadows, not subject to the witch-hunt that enforced by the such highly-regarded game of chasing normality.
I might start writing poetry on here.
I am immensely aware and at the mercy of my so-called failings ("no common sense", very slow, bad salesperson etc) being strange but so self-aware is like being in surgery with no anaesthetic or like those dreams where you're trying so hard to run but you just can't move, trying to talk with no mouth. This is why I take so many self-portraits, it helps me have some control and explore possibilities. I have an intense need to express, and no means to explore that in real life, where people's eyes burn holes in me.
I need an outlet, and I need overbearing people to be away from my place of outlet, they dull my vision and hamper my output.
Anyway, here is just a fraction of all the me's I have been: (this was teenage me)
I am working hard on a project about identity and stereotypes/archetypes so I will impart that to you, the void, or whoever enjoy my ramblings, soon. :)
And in a moment I will post a new year's poem I wrote on Facebook but then made it private because I grew uncomfortable sharing such rawness and hearing tumbleweed, filling in the deafening silence with insecurities and hatred from my so-called "friends".
Here there is no sense of obligation in the viewers, or sense of rejection when not met with any response, and I also love that.
Keep it real!
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